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Season Zero Abridged 3/Transcript
Cast (in order of appearance): Grandpa, Yugi, Bakura, off-screen student, Joey, Tristan, Téa, Miho, Jirou, Detective Gray, Tatsu, Patrick Stewart, Mr. Creosote, Hayao Miyazaki Transcript (Open at the Game shop, Millennium Puzzle is on the table) GRANDPA: Ah, the Millennium Puzzle! I solved it! After all my years of trying, I’ve finally succeeded! (pause) Why don’t I remember doing that? YUGI: Grandpa, you don’t even remember what day it is. GRANDPA: Pudding day? YUGI: Not a real day, Grandpa. And, besides, I solved the Puzzle. GRANDPA: Look, there’s an inscription! “Whoever solves this Puzzle shall be granted its dark power.” At last, I shall have dominion over all living things! And pudding. YUGI: No, Grandpa, that’s not how it— (Grandpa holds out his hand towards Yugi’s face) GRANDPA: Mind Crush, Yugi! YUGI: That’s not how it works! GRANDPA: I am now a sexy Egyptian Pharaoh, Yugi, who will go on many adventures with his friends. YUGI: No. GRANDPA: King of Games! YUGI: No. GRANDPA: Where’s that Téa girl? She likes me now. YUGI: No! (Grandpa puts his hand in front of Yugi’s face again) GRANDPA: Mind Crush, Yugi! YUGI: Stop that. (title sequence) (outside of school; Bakura is on the roof) BAKURA: I’m going to jump! Nobody try to stop me! STUDENT: Do it! BAKURA: I beg your pardon? STUDENT: Do it! BAKURA: Well, I’m having second thoughts, now. STUDENT: Don’t be a bitch, bitch. (inside school; Joey yawns) JOEY: Happy Sleep Time is my favorite class! (Yugi walks by) Yug, I just had this crazy dream where we all live in a world where crimes and other such problems were solved by the police, and not by teenagers playing card games. Imagine how f*cked up that would be. YUGI: Pretty f*cked up, Joey. JOEY: So what happened in class today, Yug? YUGI: Well, Tristan learned how to write “boobies” on his calculator. TRISTAN: (holding a calculator that reads "boobies") I am a sorcerer! YUGI: And the teacher told us that a dangerous criminal has escaped from prison! JOEY: Really? What'd he do? Murder? Robbery? YUGI: Much worse: he posted an anime parody on the Internet! JOEY: Jesus! That is the single worst thing a person could possibly do! YUGI: Yeah, they’re thinking about bringing back the death penalty. JOEY: Man, all this talk about capital punishment is making me hungry. Let’s go to a fast food restaurant. YUGI: I don’t know, Joey, it might be kinda dangerous out there. JOEY: Don’t be a bitch, bitch. TRISTAN: Now it just says “boobs”. (at Burger World; the Junes theme from Persona 4 plays) JOEY: Here we are at Burger World! YUGI: Joey, you really don’t have to announce it every time we go somewhere new. JOEY: (as the doors to Burger World open) Here we are at sidewalk! TRISTAN AND TÉA: (with Miho trying to keep up) Welcome to Burger World! Try our new Unhappy Meals, they come with a free stomach pump! MIHO: You get a free stomach. JOEY: Wait, you guys are working here? Talk about undignified. TRISTAN: I have plenty of dignity! JIROU: Taylor! TRISTAN: Yes, sir? JIROU: Some old lady made a mess in the bathroom. I need you to clean it up. TRISTAN: Can I use a mop this time? JIROU: What does this look like, a mop store? Use your shirt like always! TRISTAN: Thanks, Obama. (Yugi and Joey are sitting at a table) JOEY: Here we are at table! YUGI: I just can’t get over how good Téa looks in her uniform. JOEY: Yeah, it’s slightly less revealing than her regular clothes. TÉA: (puts a tray on the table) Here’s your food! I hope you like ketchup! YUGI: Actually, I have an allergy that causes me to go into anaphylactic— TÉA: (pours the ketchup on the burgers) Yummy! Lots and lots of ketchup! Remember to tip your waitress! YUGI: I give the Egyptian Gods 10%, why should I give you 18? JOEY: That’s pretty f*cked up, Yug. YUGI: Pretty f*cked up, Joey. JOEY: Why you workin’ here, anyway, Téa? TÉA: I’m trying to raise enough money to become a famous dancer in New York Cit-ayyyyy! With this job, it should only take about 75 years! TRISTAN: (offscreen) Thanks, Obama. JOEY: Yeah, and who wouldn’t wanna pay to see an old Asian woman shakin’ her money maker? YUGI: (thinking) Ah, that torments my Obelisk. JIROU: How can we help you, officer? GRAY: Detective Gray of the YPD. We have reports you might be harboring a known criminal. YUGI: The YPD? What’s that? GRAY: The YouTube Police Department. Whenever there’s a copyright violation, we’ll be there. YUGI: To do what, exactly? GRAY: Well, when someone violates copyright three times, we put them in jail. YUGI: Have you ever arrested someone who was innocent? GRAY: Oh, all the time. It’s crazy how many people we arrest that didn’t do anything. I mean, we probably arrest more innocent people than we do criminals. (nervous laugh) It’s crazy. YUGI: Doesn’t that seem like kind of a flawed system? GRAY: Of course not! This way, everyone who breaks the law gets punished. CAPTION: [THIS IS WHAT THE YPD ACTUALLY BELIEVES] YUGI: But so do the innocent people. GRAY: Look, I don’t claim to understand the law, I just enforce it. Blindly and without hesitation. YUGI: You seem like you have no idea what you’re doing. GRAY: Of course not, why else would they hire me? I mean— (breathy laugh) YUGI: So, who are you looking for, anyway? GRAY: He goes by the name Tatsu the Hedgehog. He’s known for his blue hair, love of chili-dogs and being in increasingly disappointing video games. TATSU: This food is way past cool, huh. GRAY: (holds up a rather unpleasing picture of Sonic) Here’s an artist's likeness of what the suspect looks like. TRISTAN: (shouting) I think the bad guy is Sonic! YUGI: Oh, you don’t know that. JIROU: And you think the suspect might be hiding out here? GRAY: Bingo! The criminal could be disguised as anybody. It could be Patrick Stewart. PATRICK STEWART: Warp 1, engage! GRAY: Mr. Creosote. CREOSOTE: Better get a bucket, I’m gonna throw up. GRAY: Even Hayao Miyazaki over there. MIYAZAKI: The only real criminals are the ones who don’t use traditional animation! TÉA: He could even be disguising himself as this guy’s leg! (pulls up somebody’s pant leg, short pause, then rolls it back down) Never mind, false alarm. TATSU: Those guys will never catch me because they’re too slow! GRAY: Excuse me, sir, you don’t happen to be associated with Sega, do you? TATSU: Uh-oh, gotta speed, kid! (gets tackled by Gray, and rings fly out) Oof! GRAY: Alright, Tatsu the Hedgehog, you’re coming with me. (notices tattoo on Jirou’s back) Wait a minute. That tattoo. That belongs to Jirou the Yellow Spider! One of the most infamous YouTube criminals known to man! YUGI: What did he do? GRAY: He made two copyright violations but then never made a third. Making it impossible to arrest him. He’s a criminal genius. YUGI: Man, the YouTube legal system sucks all kinds of ass. JIROU: (grabs Téa) You’ll never take me alive! That’s right, it’s me, Jirou the Yellow Spider: criminal mastermind and part-time fast food restaurant manager. YUGI: Holy unnecessary plot twist! JIROU: Everybody get on the ground or I’ll put a bullet in this girl’s brain! TÉA: Somebody help! He’s treating me slightly worse than most other restaurant employers! YUGI: Is this a bad time to ask for my tip back? JOEY: Here we are at hostage situation! JIROU: Hey, somebody fetch me some booze and a smoke. YUGI: Why would either of those things be in a fast food restaurant? JIROU: It’s the only thing Miyazaki ever orders. Isn’t that right, Mr. Miyazaki? MIYAZAKI: Shut up! I’m trying to animate cute sh*t over here! JIROU: Hey, girly, why don’t you sing us a tune while I wait for my booze? TÉA: (starts singing, everybody covers their ears in pain because of it) 'Cause baby you’re a fiiiiiiiiiirework! A-la-la-la-la-la fiiiiiiiiiiiirework! Something, something fiiiiiiiiiiirework! JIROU: That’s enough! (hits Téa and everything slows down) (clip of old women clapping) TRISTAN: Téa, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Téa? JOEY: [[wikipedia:Smooth Criminal|She’s been hit by. (bang, bang) She’s been struck by. (bang) (singing) A smooth criminal.]] YAMI: (puts a vodka bottle on the table) I couldn’t help noticing you’re not being mindf*cked right now. Thought I’d pop over and fix that. JIROU: Oh, hey, kid. Thanks for the cigs. Been a long time since I had a smoke. YAMI: And speaking of things that’ll kill ya, how’d you like to play a game? JIROU: A game, huh? What, like Monopoly? YAMI: Exactly like Monopoly! Except instead of going to jail, you wind up in a shallow grave. JIROU: Uhhh…. YAMI: It’s a hoot! JIROU: So, how do we play? YAMI: We each choose a finger and then we try to kill each other with it. It’s a fun game! I once pitched it to Mattel and they turned me down saying that the rules were confusing and dangerous. I mean, come on, what’s so confusing about killing each other? A kid could understand that. JIROU: Aw, come on. This is too easy. I choose my trigger finger. YAMI: And I choose my thumb. It’s the daddy finger. JIROU: Cute. But let me ask you something, kid. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? YAMI: As a matter of fact, I have. We were on a blind date. Unfortunately he never returns my calls. Says I’m too creepy. JIROU: Hey, how ‘bout lighting my cigarette before I gun you down in cold blood? YAMI: (holding a lighter) Well, you seem like a reasonable homicidal maniac, so why not? (lights Jirou's cigarette, then drops the lighter on Jirou’s hand) Oops! Butterfingers! JIROU: Hey, what the hell? YAMI: That’s Russian vodka you’re pouring all over yourself. If you were to shoot me, the lighter would fall from your hand and you would be cooked to a crisp. It’d probably be the closest thing this restaurant would get to offering 100% beef. JIROU: I’ll teach you to insult my restaurant’s health standards! (fires gun and is engulfed in flames) Aaaaaaaaaah! I’m on fire! YAMI: (laughs) Now that’s what I call a sick burn. JOEY: Man, that’s pretty f*cked up, Yug. YAMI: Pretty f*cked up, Joey. CAPTION: The next day at school… YUGI: Well, that was an adventure and a half. How’re you feeling, Téa? TÉA: How do you think I’m feeling? I was rescued by a gorgeous knight in shining armor! I’m living every girl’s dream. YUGI: You mean, aside from the part where you were held at gunpoint, right? TÉA: You still have so much to learn about women, Yugi. YUGI: Besides, weren’t you blindfolded? How do you know he was gorgeous? TÉA: Come on, anyone with a voice that deep is at least worth a hummina, hummina. Maybe even a hummina, hummina, hummina. YUGI: How many humminas am I worth? TÉA: Eh, you’re half a hummina. YUGI: So I’m a ham. TÉA: No, the other half. You’re a “nah”. YUGI: Well, you know Téa, (makes his voice deep) I’ve been going through puberty and uh— TÉA: Don’t try and do the voice, Yugi. It just sounds stupid coming from you. Besides, nothing can change my mind now. I’m in love with that mysterious stranger who rescued me! YUGI: But he killed a man. Really sadistically. Like, tortured him. TÉA: Yeah, that was hot. YUGI: He burned a guy to death, right next to you. I-i-i-it was messed up! TÉA: Yeah. Really hot. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna marry him. YUGI: Well, this just blows. TRISTAN: (offscreen) Thanks, Obama. (end - “Firework” by Katy Perry plays) (post end) MIHO: Welcome to… the burgers. Try the new… you get a free stomach. 0x03